When night falls

Our days start filled with hopes of life and dreams; keeping these in our hearts we swim through the tides of strife, battling the currents of failure and torrents of torment;

Then we break for tea

Collecting ourselves we jump in again with a slight shiver and decide a different route to follow but the troubles remain and the currents become stronger and we feel ourselves getting weaker

Its then time for lunch

As the afternoon sets in, the fire in our hearts flicker and dim and we find the alcoves we can hide in away from the relentless currents against us and there we wait for the next tea break

We fall back in the stream hoping we drift close to the expected end, as we struggle to breath without swallowing the tides of failure and rebuke from those above and ahead; we see the streams slow down and we can get to higher ground once more

We head on home

Our strength returns and we jog our way back and find comfort in that. Whilst we find the nectar s that make us smile, we also find our eyes drifting off as we slouch our limbs and prepare our minds for another time

How suddenly the night falls

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Another journey?

Sometimes we gaze into worlds we do not know nor understand but we yearn to feel the pleasures seen and heard. Some glows of light cast shadows for us to hide as we run from pain that rules our lives.

Somewhere we find our escape has bound us more into worlds we would ordinarily abhor. Seeking thrills we’ve never known in our hearts nor felt deep in our fleshy parts.

We feel astounded we have abstained from the knowledge we have gained.

Still being new and fresh, someone I’ve yet to meet, brings a journey of discovery of imperious triumphs and thrills….thanks WFG

Sorry to say goodbye

It pains when you say goodbye and this time is no different. Your heart feels as if its left your body, and your mind starts to overthink. What went wrong, we always ask and maybe the answer lies somewhere between caring too much and trying to help as well that you just become a source and no longer a friend or companion

Maybe they didn’t care in the first place and what you saw was not true, but it is always sad to say goodbye, and I’m sorry that I do Maybe in another lifetime or if we are spirits in the sky, we can try again sometime to not let our feelings die.

For now though it seems as if this is over and I am really sorry to say goodbye

End of another episode

The last few months in the life of Barry Dee (me) have been the most emotionally charged by far. With attempts at transcribing a life story, so many memories come flowing back. many of these memories have been hidden and suppressed for years, but once the process started it was like flood gates opening up.                                              Being diagnosed with clinical depression came as a surprise initially, but after researching the condition, it was apparent that it was inevitable. There have been a few (very few) friends that stepped up in support, but only the main friends have done so without expectations or needing anything in return. Other friends and family disregarded the condition entirely and focused on their own needs – this is a saddening truth.

There has been erratic and unconventional behaviour from my side. I have confused love with infatuation as has occurred before. Declaring a love to anyone who would listen and show interest. Such was the depth of my loneliness.                                                 I have been friends with people who probably were not interested in being friends, or so it seems? A similar situation was experienced a few years ago when forcing my friendship on some decent guys, leading to a song being written with key words “when you got on board and counted, two of us as three”. Appears that my l0neliness takes over sometimes and I push my way into people’s lives often uninvited. My apologies are extended to those placed in awkward positions.

When  realization of the futility of my dreams and wishes become apparent, I do manage to shift my infatuation to purely caring for the person for whom I had strong feelings for and am content with a deep friendship rather than a romance. This is evident in my life as well…

Over the years many people have been encountered and many are referred to as friends, some even refer to you as a friend. Sadly the majority of these so-called friends are only interested in something from you and I battle to accept this shallow existence.              My search for a life partner seems to have no end.

My depression is far from healed, and I doubt it will ever be. My focus is to not dwell on it any longer. If you see me again it will be with a smile.

I have thanks for those who have been genuine friends, and you know who you are,  The memories we shared remain not in my mind, but my heart.                                                    If we have a soul maybe we can meet somewhere in the future to share some laughs and tears about the times we spent together.

Rainbow of love

We do so love the colours that brighten up our days                                                                   chasing away the sadness that has come our way                                                                    Lighting up our hearts when we pray for our wishes                                                                 Keeping hope eternal making it so precious

Beauty is felt in the base of mind when we behold with our eyes                                          when the beauty speaks to us, it shakes and trembles as if its being pried                              and settles in our hearts waiting for that boy                                                                           that leaves you just swooning with anticipated joys

The young man that lives in hope and positive frame of mind                                         leaves me with a desire and this amazing urge to smile                                                           His brown eyes show his beauty and his face is so true                                                          but its his bright and sunny outlook that brings the rays of hue

If life brings us together in some mysterious way                                                                        a rainbow of love will remain for our days


Why does “the secret” not work

Sometimes when we want something there is nothing that can convince us to see that it is not going to be manifested. Our thoughts are blinded by our wishing, praying and hoping, but we are devastated as time continues and our wish has not materialized.   Our continued ”believing” and hoping, is the main factor restricting manifestation.

This does not mean one should not continue to dream and hope, it means that we should not keep asking and desperately hoping. When we continue asking (read praying/begging) we are actually believing it will not happen, hence we continue to ask and no manifestation takes place. Then we scoff at the existence of the secret….

The secret is about dreaming, asking and then waiting for it to happen.                              It is not about continuous wishing.

There are other factors that prevent the secret from working. More discussions will follow in the coming weeks.

My life has been formed by the secret, long before I knew the concept even existed. In the story of Barry Dee, you will read about the successes and ‘failure’ of my utilization of the secret. If there is a purpose for living, and mine is to share my experiences, then maybe my story would not be so meaningless and futile as it currently appears to be.

Unique Academic

Barry didn’t do particularly well at school.

He had to study hard, but was lazy. He only excelled in the subjects where he enjoyed the interaction of his teacher at the time. The different subject choices were immaterial, he only chose the subjects that came with a pleasant teacher…

During his junior and senior schooling years he excelled in Mathematics, Afrikaans (2nd Language), History and Accountancy. He didn’t have much interest in biology, geography and English (1st Language) as he deemed the teachers to be boring. During his final year of schooling his abilities in Accounting were so highly developed he outshone all his classmates including the most brainy of them all Nigel. Nigel received book prizes for all the subjects, except for Accounting, where Barry took the prize.

Everyone thought that Barry was going to study to become a Chartered Accountant, as he even won awards and a bursary to do so. Unfortunately, South Africa was at war with itself and all young white men were conscripted to do military service. Barry was no exception, however he deemed that a two year stint in the armed forces would be such a waste of time, he consulted with others to weigh up his options. His best friend Gavin had decided to go to University and stay there as long as he could, and in doing such avoid the conscription and prepare himself for the life ahead. Barry’s foster parents were not interested, and stated that he could only attend University if he had a full scholarship, but that as a patriot he had to complete his military service. this was a dilemma.

During his final year at school he and his best friends were tasked to interview a famous poet or writer for their Afrikaans oral exam. Barry had the bright idea to interview the then Prime Minister of South Africa, John Vorster. (details of this encounter and subsequent interactions are dealt with in another chapter). Whilst he was at the Houses of Parliament he spoke to a senior policemen, who unbeknown to Barry was in charge of the protection of the Prime Minister. Barry told him how much he wanted to study to be a Chartered Accountant, alternatively if he couldn’t he wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force. The wise old policemen looked at Barry and smiled…. he told him to consider joining the South African Police, and he stated that there were opportunities in the Police to further his studies and also to be a helicopter pilot. The old policemen told him that all of his training and studies would be free. Barry was sold, he was joining the South African Police where he will attend university and then become a helicopter pilot as well. Barry then went into the large office in the Houses of Parliament  and met Prime Minister John Vorster.  Barry,  when asked by the Prime Minister what his future plans were, proudly replied that he was joining the Police Force, and the Prime Minister who had previously been the Minister of Police, beamed broadly. The ice was broken for a very congenial interview for the four boys.

Barry proudly told his foster parents that he was joining the Police at the end of his school year, as he will be studying at their expense and that he was joining a special unit that is tasked for protecting the State President and Prime Minister, as John Vorster had suggested he do. The foster parents were amazed, but pleased that Barry was going to serve his country, and that he was hobnobbing with the political elite.

It was a good day… Barry was to study and be a bodyguard … how exciting.

After the basic training of six months in the Police College in Pretoria, Barry signed up for the elite (or so he thought) Special Guard Unit, a select division tasked to protect the State President and Prime Minister. At the time, the cabinet ministers and their deputies did not enjoy selected protection services, as such benefits were only available to the highest offices of the country.  To his amazement, there was no additional training required to protect these important people.

After a few months it became apparent that the exciting job was actually just a menial guarding job around a house or at a gate. The only training ever received in addition to the basic police training, was contained in three rules: Nobody is allowed to face the house when guarding it, one must escort the VIP’s when they take a stroll in the vast gardens, but a following distance of at least 150m had to be maintained in order for the VIP to expel flatulence in private and lastly when on gate duty, one had to salute smartly when the VIP’s traveled through the gates.

The commander of the SGU was a dynamic man, Lt Col Roy During. Barry was so impressed with this leader, that he even modeled his own signature similar to the Colonel’s. One day when visiting the guards on duty the Colonel asked Barry what his aspirations were, and Barry took the opportunity to blurt out he wanted to be a bodyguard and study further and then be a helicopter pilot. The Colonel, looked shocked, but smiled at the 18 year old young man in front of him.

A few days later Barry was summonsed  report to the Colonel’s office immediately.  Barry was wary, but hastened to get there swiftly. The Colonel waved him inside and closed the door. Barry was amazed at the physique of the Colonel, no wonder his name was Ysterbors (Iron chest), apparently he could do 200 chin ups in full uniform without breaking a sweat. Barry was nervous, and the Colonel asked him why he thought he could be a bodyguard , a student at Government expense as well as a helicopter pilot.  He seemed amused, but was intrigued by this young man. Barry proceeded to tell him about the meeting at parliament and that the Colonel there had told him to follow that path.,

Colonel During scowled. He told Barry that he had been lied to and then explained how that Bodyguards in the Police had to be Commissioned Officers which took approximately 10 years before it could be materialized, and then they are selected by the President before they are appointed. He further told Barry that there was no University bursaries and the only policeman that went to University were undercover spies for the Security Branch, also only seasoned policemen and thirdly the helicopter pilots of the South African Police were actually seconded from the Air Force. Barry gasped in amazement, and suddenly regretted his decision. He could have taken the bursary he was offered and been studying at Cape Town University, in fact his first year would have almost been completed, he started shaking with anger. The man they called Ysterbors looked at him and empathized that he had been duped. He said he was going to report Colonel Mouton for lying to Barry. Barry then asked the Colonel not to, as he would be fine.

Barry went back to his room at the Police Barracks and sobbed privately for an hour. He hated being lied to. It was then that he made up his mind that he would write the material for a degree that others would have to follow to obtain a degree. He, Barry would have his own Degree. His naivety gave him solace.

Two years later Barry had attempted studying a B.Comm at the University of South Africa, but the various duties he performed prevented him from making the timelines for submissions in the correspondence course. The irony was that his two immediate superiors were studying their degrees, and had dumped their work on Barry, which prevented him from completing his degree. They both got their degrees and subsequent promotions…. Barry never did.

Over the ensuing years Barry kept his promise of self study with the purpose of gathering sufficient information to write the contents of a degree that students would follow. He collected a massive personal library of over 250 topical books and read them all. He had his books stored in his office and his small Barracks room. When doing inspections, the two “degreed” officers always took an interest in what topic Barry was reading at the time and made many friendly comments that he should have been a student. Barry smiled and grimaced inside.

Barry never got to study further formally,but as can be seen in another chapter, he became the only member of the Board of Directors of a large international company without formal education, but was treated as an equal. He often boasts this fact to academics, which he secretly admires and envies. He resigned himself to the fact that he would never be the academic he wanted to be, but he did become an instructor in many fields and has a passion for helping others grow their knowledge.

Barry could’ve become a fully fledged academic and even reached doctorate level, had he not been so naive and gullible. Today he lives in a dream world in terms of academia, and wishes things were different, but resigned himself to the fact it would never be. He tries to surround himself with academics, poets, and like-minded individuals to hide his failing as an academic. 

Is this why the Universe led him to meet the Unique Academic.

A cruel twist to follow…